ONSENS

As a westerner, a first trip to a Japanese hotspring can be a little disconcerting. Unless you're on a football team or you're in prison, one doesn't normally spend time with large groups of naked men. Before the popularity of hot tubs here in the west, it was rare to see a Caucasion taking the waters. For the Japanese, onsen baths are a religion. With Japan on a sea of unstable volcanic nasty things, you don't have to go too far before you'll find either a hotel with an onsen or a public bath house. Once, on the Izu peninsula I spent a pleasant sake-fuelled evening with the proprietors of a robata restaurant in their natural onsen located in their kitchen (don't try this at home)

My first time in a Japanese onsen was a bit of a disaster. I didn't realise that the teeny towel they give you was more than just a face cloth -It's used to hold casually over your private parts while strolling about the onsen area. I didn't realise that before entering an onsen, you wash yourself with water drawn from the hot pools in small buckets. I also didn't realise you don't spend more that 10 minutes in the super hot pools at a time. I lay sumerged like an alligator in one scalding pool for half an hour and almost passed out.

There is usually a wall strategically placed to seperate the mens and the women's onsen. There are co-ed onsens, but not too many. The best are the outdoor onsens, with the most spectacular being Camel Rock in Wakayama.

TELEVISION

It is incredible that a nation that has developed the most sopisticated and advanced television sets are incapable of creating decent programmes to show on them.

Japanese TV runs from purile to boring, to bizarre. Although they don't quite sink to the level of sludge we're used to in Canada, they do their best.

Evening TV fare is the most interesting, with the news/talk shows, featuring comedians, journalists, giggle girls,(co-hosts) politicians and perverts. By law, the giggle girls are not allowed to dress in anything that is not made of spandex, latex, rubber or larger than a postage stamp. Not exactly 60 minutes,

HOTELS

There are three different types of hotel in Japan. The western-style hotel with pool, conceirge, bellhops, etc. The 'business' hotel that is just a scaled down version of the larger western hotel. And I do mean scaled down -5' long beds, 15 square foot rooms, and 5.5' high doorways. Then there is the Ryokan, the traditional Japanese inn. Usually located near water, or an onsen ,(which is a Japanese hot spring) Ryokans are Japanese versions of our resort hotels, with the service and style of inns that serviced travellers in old Japan. The only difference between then and now is the ubiquitus Karaoke machine. Each room is simply furnished. A low table and two chairs. Tatami rush mats on the floor and futons to sleep on. Most guests change into their Yukata's on arrival and wander between their rooms, the onsen and the Karaoke bar, with regular stops at the gift shop. Like I said, the Japanese are the ultimate consumers.

Arriving at any hotel you may be surprised that the elaborately dressed bellman will fawn you, will not carry your bags. That is usually left up to the young bellgirls who weigh less than your luggage. I have tried unsuccessfully on numerous occasions to physically wrestle bags from these poor girls staggering under the weight of 17 bottles of my duty free scotch. As there is no tipping in Japan, their hernia's go unrewarded.

Some of the more expensive Ryokans will write your name in brush lettering on a piece of paper and hang it outside your room. Disoncerting for those guests who may be in the hotel for a clandistine rendevous...

Tip: bring your own slippers with you when you travel to Japan. Inside houses as well as Ryokans, everyone wears slippers. For caucasion males, you will feel like Cinderella trying to find a pair that will fit you and invariably will end up shlepping about the place in slippers that will just fit over three toes. Also, ask for a large, or ookii Ukata, unless you want to end up looking like a Transvestite wearing a mini dress. Unless, of course that is what you're into...

After getting to your Ryokan hotel room, a lady will come in to serve you tea, snacks and explain in great detail the delights of the hotel. When you check out, all the staff that have served you on your stay will assemble outside to bow and wave you bye bye. I almost felt bad stealing the towels...

FOOD STORES

Japanese food stores are divided up into sections, or booths where you can purchase anything that swims, crawls, gallops and slithers, frozen, fresh, or still moving. Don't want to cook it,? There will be a booth somewhere in the store that has the same food cooked. Don't want to carry it home? They'll deliver it to your house. Don't want to eat it? They will express deliver it to a friend. (gift wrapped, of course.)

In the fish markets, prices range from a few yen for a 3" long flounder to thousands of dollars for giant Tuna and other hot-pot delicacies. B.C. Salmon is outrageously overpriced. Tip: if you do go to Japan, slip a couple of salmon down your pants, it'll help pay for your trip. Even Sea Cucumbers bring $10.00 each. Something to consider next time you snag one off the reef on your next fishing trip. Selling food is a serious business. If customers drop off, booth operators will often let you know what's special today, verbally. Through a megasphone. At full volume. From two feet away. If that doesn't work, there are always free samples. Who can resist the siren call of a tastefully arranged platter of thinly sliced tempura beef testicles.

GAS STATIONS

The Japanese give new meaning to the phrase 'full serve'. Prices are high for a litre of gas, but you sure get service in return. There is usually a large staff of teenagers on duty. One acting as triage, waving you to a pump, with extravagant gesturing, the rest, usually young girls scurry around filling the tank, cleaning ALL the windows, and washing the tires and rims. If you prefer not to watch, you can always relax in their lounge, coffee and cake provided. Sorry, no massage., unless you're a Kobe cow. The restrooms are as expected, clean. It is such a treat to walk into a gas station restroom without having to wear a biological warfare suit. Admittedly, I have been in some gas station restrooms in the Japanese countryside that hadn't been cleaned since WWII, but they are few and far between.

Naturally, being Japan, when you leave, an attendant will go out on the street to stop traffic for you, bow and wave bye bye. I wonder how many get run over...

But at least they don't have Andy Rooney. Yet.

KARAOKE

In Japanese means 'the desire to humiliate yourself in front of friends and co-workers.

Inside every Japanese lurks a frustrated Bing Crosby, or an Elvis. A Karaoke machine can turn the most humble salaryman into a hunk o' burning love. Japanese pop songs are by far the most popular, followed by western pop songs sung in Japanese. Only the boldest attempt the english versions. Elvis would definitely return from the dead if he could hear the merciless slaughter of Heartbreak Hotel and Teddy Bear...

Karaoke is serious business, with Karaoke schools doing boffo business teaching singing and more importantly, singing etiqette: How to hold the microphone.(up) What to do with your eyes when hitting the high notes. (roll them back into your head like you're dead) And what not to do with your hands (pick your nose)

Besides hotel banquet rooms, 'Karaoke boxes' have sprung up. Small motel-type rooms bare of anything but a few chairs and a karaoke machine, available by the hour. I guess the idea is don't humiliate yourself in a large, smoky bar full of strangers. Humiliate yourself in a small smoky room full of friends. Karaoke is an important part of any office function. To be first at the karaoke machine (and first crack at the most popular songs) is to be golden. Don't stand in front of the karaoke machine at the end of the meal. You will be crushed and die in the stampede.

EATING OUT

The Japanese love to eat. As a result, Japan is wall to wall eating establishments. you can stop anywhere at 1 am and find a mom and pop restaurant that is still open. Many of these places are no bigger than an elongated coat closet and the cooking may be done over a small portable gas grill, but the food is always superb. From there you can go all the way up to Tokyo restaurants where you'll have to remortgage your house just to afford the appetisers.

There are restaurants that just serve hot pots, restaurants that specialize in fugu fish, restaurants that grill everything live right in front of you and restaurants that keep cement pools full of everything from snails to tuna. I've also eaten in restaurants that specialised in Horse meat. No matter how delicious it tasted, I just couldn't get visions of Mr. Ed out of my mind. Those of us that periodically place modest wagers at the track will get a certain satisfaction out of dining on the horse that came in dead last.

6am Christmas morning, packed like sardines on a small fishing boat and surrounded by fourteen other bloodshot eyes huddled in Yukatas reeking of stale sake. We're on our way to watch the sunrise from Camel rock, a spectacular hot spring on a small rocky island off the coast of Wakayama prefecture. By the time we arrived, there was already a large contingent getting their second wind from the heat and sake.

I don't think anyone noticed the sunrise.

There is a saying that a westerner should visit Japan three times. The first time you are dazzled by the lights, bustle, and ancient customs.

The second time, you start to notice the dark side of Japan: the overcrowding, government corruption, rascism, a country trapped betwen the 10th century and the 21st century.

The third time, you learn to accept the weirdness and just enjoy the ride

I've been to Japan several times now, and although I now accept the frustrating and bizarre, and slightly twisted. Like Japanese Christmas. Unlike Christmas day in Canada, where everything grinds to a halt. (until the lunacy of the Boxing Day sales) Christmas day is just another dreary winter day for the average Japanese working stiff. I suppose it's hard to get into the festive spirit when the only thing you'll be opening Christmas morning will be your boss' mail.

Odd, considering the Japanese will declare a national holiday for anything that moves: Boys day, (no Girls day, this is sexist Japan remember)

The Japanese vaguely feel they should embrace christmas as they have with so many other western customs, but December 25th in the Buddist religion doesn't mean anything special and the retailers haven't been able to trigger the 30 days of frenzied excess spending we're used to -mainly because consumer spending in Japan is excessive 365 days of the year. Although the collapse of their 'bubble' economy a few years ago has mean't a few sacrifices in the retail sector. For example, no more white-gloved young girls welcoming you onto department store escalators any more...

On the other hand, a country that will crawl over broken glass to grovel over a customer will totally ignore the less fortunate. If you are homeless and lying on the sidewalk, you'll be stepped over (or on) If you are poor, you can die of starvation in your apartment. If you are confined to a wheelchair, you are doomed to a life of waiting for some kind soul to lift you over the curb, or carry you up the many flights of stairs in the subways.

Japanese department stores are about the only retailers that make an effort to recognise Christmas on the odd chance it'll trigger the release of a few extra Yen, although their Yuletide decorations tend to be stomped on by the forests of neon that exist everywhere in Japan.

Those who are sick of our endless TV Christmas specials that get more saccarine as the 25th approaches, will think a little more kindly towards Bing Crosby and Kathy lee Gifford after viewing Japanese TV network's salute to the festive season Curl up in front of the space-heater with old favourites like a one-hour retrospective of the most horrific car crashes of the year, a documentary on winter radishes or, how about this: a comedian dressed as the pope grilling girls on their most bizarre sexual encounters. Another network was running a game show where charengers (challengers) have to guess the breast size of different girls. The winner was serenaded by the 'Merry Christmas Dancers', who wore outfits that would make a Vegas showgirl blush.

TOKYO

Tokyo is a huge city (population 7.8 million) with all the problems associated with it. New Tokyo International Airport, commonly known as Narita Airport, is located in another prefecture (county) and it has taken me up to three hours by bus to get in to the city There are high speed express trains, but as Tokyo is spread out over such a wide area, you are bound to have to change to numerous subways to get to your final destination. So,if you are carrying any luggage, forget it, take the 'Limousine Bus.' You're bound to find one that goes directly to your hotel. And yes, hotels in Tokyo are obscenely expensive. Don't linger longer than you have to. Points of interest in Tokyo? None.

OSAKA

Osaka was a thriving trade and industrial center when Tokyo was still just a fishing village. Where the people in Tokyo wouldn't cross the street to put you out if you were on fire, Osakans are outgoing and friendly. Most comedians in Japan come from Osaka. Besides speaking with a different accent from Tokyoites, Osakans have different tastes in food. (Less salt, less soy ). Downtown Osaka has a series of canals running through the center and more restaurants per square kilometer than you could try in a lifetime. Osaka also has the new Kansai airport, built on a man-made island in Osaka bay, it only takes 40 minutes to get there from downtown and the airport is fast becoming the hub for flights into Asia.

IZU PENINSULA

South of Tokyo and easily accessable by train, Izu is a series of fishing villages and onsen resorts. Shimoda at the southern tip of the peninsula is a delightful fishing village with a few hotels mixed in. the Tokyu hotel is worth a visit,.Perched on a cliff, it looks down on the bay and naturally has an onsen. downtown is just a short crawl and packed with tiny mom and pop robata restaurants. and bars. Try the local sea snail karaage. I bet you can't just eat one...

HAKKONE

Located up in the mountains, it was a fuedal check point for travellers crossing japan. Now it's a thriving onsen area, with hotels clustered around steaming streams. Easily accessable by train from Tokyo or Osaka. There are a lot of higher-priced ryokan hotels in the area, but you can find the smaller cheaper ones if you look. Check out the museum located at the original site of the check point. Fascinating exibits depicting the brutality and shortness of early Japanese life.

MIYAKOJIMA

A small tropical island south of Okinawa. Locals exist off fishing, sugar cane and driving cabs. Spectaculer snorkling and diving on the reefs. a few hotels, but the area is still so too far off the beaten track to be spoilt. Two hours by air from Osaka. Unlike Okinawa, Miyakojima has no poisonous snakes.

BEPPU

Located on the east coast of Kyushu, the southernmost of the japanese main islands. Beppu is located in the middle of a very active volcanic area. The plumes of steam that mingle with the usual air pollution can reduce visibility in Beppu considerably. Like Shimoda, Beppu also has many small restaurants -Try the duck-on-a-stick. A few kilometres south of town is Monkey Mountain, where for a few Yen, you can observe thousands of wild monkeys indulging in the kind of activities that monkeys are so famous for.

HIROSHIMA

The cheapest admission price in Japan is the Peace Memorial in Hiroshima. Situated in the peace park, which also houses the ruins of the old Industrial Promotion Hall which was the epicenter for the atomic bomb blast. Inside the museum are fascinating relics and photos, including the watch that was found stopped at precisely the time of the blast and the granite bank steps that still show the shadow of the lady who was vaporised while sitting on the steps. Along with burned clothing and photos of the victims, are preserving jars filled with various pieces of human anatomy that deformed as a result of radiation exposure. It is a sobering experience and by the time you get through to the end of the exhibits, even the hordes of chattering Japanese schoolkids are silent. The museum is a must see. Too bad it doesn't travel.

MOUNT FUJI

I've been part way up Mt. Fuji, but have never been able to make it to the top. Partly because I'm too lazy, but mainly because it's really an overnight hike if you want to see the sunrise, or goraiko from the summit of Mt. Fuji. The climbing season is July and August, anytime else and the weather is dodgy. Along the trail to the summit are various huts flogging booze, food and lodging, all with mountain-sized price tags.

HOW TO GET AROUND

Although trains run almost everywhere, domestic travel isn't the easiest, or the cheapest in Japan. (possibly why the inner harbour looks like the ginza during the summer months) Train travel isn't cheap, but buying a rail pass before you leave Canada will save you big yen. The Shinkansen (bullet) trains are worth a trip at least once. With a JR (Japan Rail) pass you can ride the Shinkansen, but it costs extra to get a reserved seat. I never bother with reservations, I sit in the bar car. Besides, I'd only end up sitting there anyway...

The main subway lines in Tokyo and Osaka have destinations in Romaji, English and Kanji. Once you leave the cities, all the signs are in Kanji characters. One way to figure out if you are at your stop is memorise the shape of a couple of Kanji characters in that place name and look for those. It fabulous and works 3 times out of 10.